What The...

Not just another new beginning

I've stayed away from this thing for a while, now. The truth is, I really don't like talking about myself.

Especially now. When times are tough, road is dark, and life is like, well, just a bowl- Then I REALLY don't like the subject of me.

That's the way it's been, and there are a few people who can attest to that. You'll just have to take my word for it, for now.

This entry marks a change for me. I'm going to start putting it out there. Really.

December 1 marked an anniversary for me. Six years ago, I was in another place (in so many ways). Just before the dawn of 2000, not long after turning 30, I can remember how much anticipation I felt. I knew that my 30's were going to be the best yet. I would have never imagined that my decisions and their consequences would eventually lead me to Miami Beach. This city wasn't even on the long list. I could never have pictured myself going to work every day to a place that contradicts who I am and takes from me much more than it gives, but that is what I now do. I would have thought it impossible to exist without any friends nearby nor any social life to speak of, but this is how I live. I would have scoffed at the idea of me ever being HIV positive, but this is what I am.

So my trophy case is not exactly full right now. I keep letting my hair get too long between haircuts (always a bad sign). I live in Florida, like 5 blocks from the beach, and haven't been there in months. Im slowly creeping out of shape, as would any lethargic shut-in. Nothing out of control, mind you, but let's face it, my lifestyle and my metabolism aren't what they used to be. I have become my very own visual reminder of my mental state. As a matter of fact, my apartment resembles my mindset, too. At least I'm not fake.

So I awoke this morning with this anniversary theme still in my head, as it has been for a few days. My emotions, thoughts, and ideas have been learning how to live with me over these years. They don't quite hit me anymore, what's the use? I get lots of little nudges now, here and there. So they're nudging me this week that I have to try to make those changes again. I know what they are (clean the apt/redecorate, eat better, call your friends, workout more, get out of the apt once in awhile, get yourself a little sun, would you?, etc...), and I even know how to do them. I just have to want to do them for more than a few days at a time. You see, I have been here a few times before along this journey. Right now, the job is the key. Starting Monday, I must make an effort not to let the job take as much out of me. I have to keep some for myself, and put it toward these changes. Every day. (Delayed goal- new career.)

Boom!! All of the sudden, I was putting on my running shoes (literally). I walked Wendy at 5:30 a.m., and went for a much needed run. Perhaps it was my newfound motivation, and perhaps the newly arrived cooler winter weather, but I was able to run double my usual distance (based on data collected from previous new beginnings). I returned to my apartment a bit winded, but satisfied. I showered, then returned to this neglected blog. I am going to get a little sun today, and start cleaning up this apartment. It's a mess.

posted by Jimmy @ 7:17 AM